Hi, I’m the Science Cyclops.

I was created from molecules of caffeine and genetically engineered organic pluats.  I was sent here by Zeus to inspire humans through my tales of terror and physical improbabilities while not helping him fight the Titans, because of the economy and all. 

First things first, let’s get this out in the open.  I get stopped on the street quite often and people always want to know one thing; how is your depth perception in battle so accurate when you only have one eye? 

 The answer is simple.  Through the transverse effects of milicones, nanocilia and a spliced cornea that inverts while simultaneously transverting images, I am able to receive neural impulses at a speed that is far superior to that of a human.  To sum it up for you, I get sensory information to my brain faster and more accurately with one eye than the average human can get from 187.3 eyeballs.   

This physical improbability paired with my ridiculous upper body strength makes me invincible and far cooler than a Science Ninja. 


Me giving some of you primates what for. Watch the pirate and ninja run!!

Q:  I thought Cyclopes were inferior in brain capacity to humans?

A:  Baloney! There is little need for words on the battlefield, but our aid is often requested by screenwriters for America’s Funniest Home Videos.  That should answer your question.

Q:  If you can see at a faster rate than humans, then why can't you move at a faster rate than humans?

A:  I can, however I choose not to.  I move at a normal rate so that you can see me coming, inevitably shake with fear and possibly soil yourself.

Q:  Do all Cyclopes have their eye in the very center of their head?

A:  No.  Some are born with an unnatural deformity where they possess two eyes and I smash one with a hammer.  I am solution oriented.

Q:  I heard that there are two kinds of Cyclopes, is that true? 

A:  No. That’s like saying that squirrels that are separated will eventually adapt to a new habitat and become a new species and that’s crazy.  If this ever did occur, I would find all the other “Cyclopes” and smash them with a hammer.

Q:  I heard that Jane Goodall is a direct ancestor of a Cyclops.  Is that possible?

A:  No. She’s British.

Q:  Your name is Science Cyclops, so what do you actually have to do with Science?

A:  Can you please send me your address?  I would like to explain it to you in person with my hammer.  And furthermore, in a time of growing umemployment rates, decrease in jobs well-suited for a Cyclops and increased foreign competition, I decided that Science needs some toughening up.  The better question is what are YOU doing with your life?  Oh yeah, probably playing Magic: The Gathering and eating double stuffed Oreos in your mom’s basement.

Q:  Are you single?

A:  Well, I get asked that a lot.  I am currently available though I am dating around quite a bit.  I am looking for a woman who can make measles appear, who enjoys painting bowls with dirty images, collects pudding cups, drinks her margarita with a twizzler straw, wears her stunna shades at night, likes to eat small dogs, lets M&Ms melt in her hand, doesn’t recycle and will braid my beard every night before I go to bed.  If this sounds like you and you would like to get together sometime rather soon, like by midnight tonight, then hit up my two-way pager.  Holla!

 Little Known Facts About the Science Cyclops:

I used to meditate with Marcus Aurelius in the Himalayas.

I gave Fabio the idea for "I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter".

The game of golf was created as a metaphor for a Cyclops.

Science Pirates have been known to actually amputate one of their own legs due to their insane jealousy of the one eyed Cyclops in a shameless attempt to be as cool as me.

I don’t know how to square dance.

The song "Orange Blossom Special"  by Johnny Cash was written about me.