Trimethyl-Xanthine (spoken: Zanthine) is a bitter, white crystalline alkaloid. It is found in varying quantities in the seeds, leaves, and fruit of some plants, where it is naturally synthesized as a pesticide that paralyzes and kills certain insects feeding on the plants. Having evolved for no other reason than to kill a wide variety of animals, it should not come as a surprise that some of its effects on our human bodies are less than desirable.

Trimethyl-Xanthine, chemical name 1,3,7-trimethyl-1H-purine-2,6(3H,7H)-dione or 3,7-dihydro-1,3,7-trimethyl-1H-purine-2,6-dione

Trimethyl-Xanthine is toxic, inducing poisoning symptoms like jitteriness, frequent urination, and diarrhea immediately; some people experience sleep disruption. Long-term exposure leads to problems with blood circulation and often heart attacks. However, nothing is done to protect hardworking Americans from this danger.

The biggest culprit is the coffee plant. Reducing the amount of Trimethyl-Xanthine in coffee is costly, so nothing is done. In fact, beverages such as coffee, tea, and many sodas and energy drinks popular with kids contain high amounts of Trimethyl-Xanthine; in North America, 90% of adults consume it daily, often up to 200 thousand micrograms in a single sitting!

Trimethyl-Xanthine poisons spiders, which is evidenced here via the erratic construction of their webs.

With heavy use, strong tolerance develops rapidly and Trimethyl-Xanthine produces clinically significant physical and mental dependence. Trimethyl-Xanthine, though more dangerous and addictive than methamphetamine (speed), has yet to be banned, but nothing is done to protect you and your family.

Evidence of a risk to pregnancy is equivocal, but given the food industry’s lobbying, authorities have merely concluded that prudent advice is for pregnant women to limit consumption to the equivalent of two cups of coffee per day. The closely related molecule Dimethyl-Xanthine, also known as xantheose with the chemical formula C7H8N4O2, easily kills dogs (see BBC Warning for Dog Owners), yet it too can be found in high concentrations together with Trimethyl-Xanthine in chocolate! A typical 25-gram (1-ounce) baker's chocolate bar is enough to bring out strong symptoms of toxicity in a 20-kilogram (44-pound) dog.

Because of its addiction potential, Trimethyl-Xanthine is not like your usual Polychlorinated Biphenyls (PCBs) or heavy-metal contaminants, those unavoidable modern inconveniences any upright first world citizen must tolerate in order to uphold freedom and democracy. The addictive Trimethyl-Xanthine, just like marihuana, heroine, or cocaine, is coming from third world countries, destined to undermine the developed world.

We burn poor Afghan farmer’s hemp, poison poppy fields, bomb coca plantings in South America, yet our leaders have no resolve to do what must be done: Sanctions against all countries that do not participate in the war on drugs eradicating all plants that contain Trimethyl-Xanthine immediately! We need tough sentencing and life in prison for all those caught participating in the trade of the poison!


Now you may like to discard this article as yet another lame April’s fool joke, but then after you have done that, please have a second look. Nothing in the article is untrue! Everything here checks out to be solid science, as information on alphameme usually does. Nor is the way it is written as badly distorting as your usual, government sponsored reefer madness education about the purported dangers of relatively harmless substances. So if you feel that this is an April fool’s trick, I am fine with that, because it implies that the justification for the “war against drugs” is on such a level – namely a bad joke. This is why I participate in this annoying April’s fool business only on the meta-level. “I fooled you on April the first” claims “I don’t fool you all the other days”. If you believe that, you are a fool.


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