Now, it doesn't really do any of those things, even social psychologists would not believe something so silly, but women are willing to give you credit for trying; namely spending 50 bucks on an ill-fitting suit and enduring patent leather shoes for an evening.
And while women are vaguely suspicious of men who own cats(1) , they love men who own dogs. Cats can be left alone for weeks at a time but dogs, much like showing up at a friend's wedding in a rented tux, reek of commitment.
I know that is a rather vague thing to say for a science site. Even Dr. Oz could give advice like 'get a dog'. You expect more from Science 2.0, like what kind of dog best increases your chances of finding a mate. So I did 5 seconds of research to obtain that answer, namely clicking on a link Alex Berezow of RealClearScience sent me because he seems to think he can find something so ridiculous even I will not write about it.(2)
Because people can get a little weird about their pets, a company called Klooff created a phone application that allows them to create profiles for their critters, upload pet photos and even "interact" with other owners. You know what 'interact' really means; weekend hook-ups.
So they did what all smart companies do; they found out what dogs will get you a date. Their survey was, they say, representative of 1,000 pet owners and non-owners. The average age of respondents was 18-33 (which tells you they do not know what an 'average' actually is), and they included gay and straight people.
Hint: Get whatever dog Uma Thurman had in "The Truth About Cats And Dogs." Don't get whatever the little angry one had.
The cat is, quite literally, out of the bag.
Want to send the message that you are a perfect one night stand but she shouldn't get too attached? Borrow a bulldog and head to the doggie park. Boxers and rottweilers work well here also.
Want to look like relationship material? A man with a golden retriever is 10X more likely to be perceived as boyfriend-ish than apparently he would be if he owned a pit bull.
Want a baby mama? Get a labrador retriever. And a good lawyer.
Women were not excluded from getting some advice.
There is a reason Chihuahuas are always used as props in movies to portray annoying women; only annoying women own them, according to respondents.
And they are apparently tramps. A woman with a Chihuahua is 5X more likely to be viewed by men as a one night stand than a woman who owns a Golden Retriever. But a woman who owns a Poodle is the one most likely to be a sure thing, in the eyes of other dog owners.
Not this kind of tramp. Credit: Disney
Don't have any friends with the dogs I have already mentioned? Here is the top 5 list. If you don't have a friend with one of these dogs, you probably own a cat and deserve to be alone.
1. German Shepherd
2. Golden Retriever
3. Labrador Retriever
4. Siberian Husky
5. French Bulldog
Women, if you want to attract men, get those top two, or throw in a beagle, a poodle and a chihuahua, because apparently you think more of men than they think of you.
(1) The military too - if you ever took the military's Flight Aptitude Selection Test, 50 percent of the questions are personality profiling, including "Would you rather own a dog or a cat?" There is a right answer to that question and if you think that answer is 'cat' you are out of your mind.
(2) He is wrong.