Old World Order Overthrown : Newsflash

THE THYMES July 1st, 1776

News has just reached the shores of our Britannic Majesty's Kingdom - that certain seditious rebels have defeated His Majesty's armies and our beloved Royal Navy in various battles in the New World.

A letter to the Thymes.

The Editor,
Esteemed Sir,

Regarding the horrendous news in today's Thymes: I feel somewhat forced to put quill to parchment.  My morning tea was quite spoiled by the news from the New World.  If this news be true, then one can only assume that the rebels have not conducted themselves in a gentlemanly fashion.  Any country bumpkin can wear inconspicuous clothing and hide in ambuscade but it takes a special kind of hero to wear bright red and stand in line awaiting the order to be shot at.

These rebels, under a pretext of being treated unfairly, have risen up against their lawful sovereign.  "Wherefore?", I ask.  Do we not treat these colonists equally as we treat all others of our Majesty's great Empire?  There are inevitable costs in the administration of empire.  How dare these upstarts complain about an altogether trivial tax burden?  And if we exempt the New World, what then?  Will our other outposts of empire not seek - nay - demand equal treatment?  Where would the English be if we were to exempt the rest of our subject nations from their taxes?

These sons of sedition, these most treasonable personages, under the banner 'Sons of Liberty' make mock of reason and enlightenment.  Seeking to supplant the tried and tested governing principles of proper social order in this, the Old World, they would rather govern themselves under a new system in which every man has a voice.  Where will such foolishness end?  Whoever heard the like?  The reductio ad absurdum lays bare the lie - why not let every woman have a voice also?  The result, of course, would be the collapse of civilisation as we know it.  It follows that this 'republicanism' is childish nonsense. q.e.d.

It is self-evident folly to think that a few common people could devise any form of government better than our own Parliamentary system.  'Tis pity this secret society of conspirators - this band of so-called 'Sons of Liberty' had not long since been rounded up and incarcerated.  Instead they have been let free to spread their untruths amongst the colonists and thus recruit co-conspirators.

I say, sir, that there is indeed a conspiracy.  A conspiracy, I say!  These recidivists dare preach that they have formed a New World Order!  Why! There was never anything wrong with order in the Old World.  Charles Thomson has much to answer for.  Novus ordo seclorum be hanged, sir!  Be hanged, I say!

If our armed forces do not prevail, I fear that these colonists may yet set a bad example to others.  Mark my words, sir!  If this conspiracy is not nipped in the bud, then in centuries yet to come, people will still be writing letters to the Thymes complaining about the New World Order.

I remain, Sir,
your servant,
Sir Smashem-Uppe