A study that was just published in the oft cited “Journal of Unintentional Environmentalism and Bassoon Maintenance” got things rolling. It provided proof that proponents of homeopathy have been right all along, despite longstanding, dogmatic and arrogant protestations by second rate pseudoscientific hacks such as myself. More on this later.

More incredibly still, during the same week, lightning stuck twice. A study entitled "BPA No Am Good You For," appeared in the March 33rd edition another high impact journal—"This S### Really Sucks, But I Need Tenure." In this case, researchers found that the plastic component BPA, whose safety has been hotly debated for years, was, in fact, not only toxic, but far more so than was previously believed. So deadly, in fact, that it could potentially alter, or even end all life on earth.

How? Because of homeopathic principles!! The synergy of these two separate, yet related breakthrough discoveries has put us in more danger than a carton of Pop Tarts in Rosie O'Donell's pantry.

The science of homeopathy is based the following: When solutions of stuff are diluted so many times that not even a single molecule of the original stuff remains, there is still evidence that is was there. Homeopaths—easily the sharpest scientists around—call this the "memory of water." The molecule that used to be there, still has an effect because the water remembers that it was there.

Like this isn't obvious. 

The following experiment is the cornerstone of their study:

The damage done is obvious, but, there is always a good side to bad news.

This could turn out to be a veritable bonanza for men who suffer through online dating. You know—the guys whose profile says that they are 5'10" and show up at the bar and are precisely 5'4"? Well they are really not liars, but rather innocent victims of homeopathy.  For example, on the way to a first meeting, some poor schmuck sucks down a YooHoo that just happened to be remembering that it was on the set of the Wizard of Oz, and he loses 6 inches of height. Like it is his fault? So now, rather than look like obvious lying scum—the typical man that infests New York dating sites— at least he can cover his ass. 

Similarly, this could provide useful ammunition for women daters as well. They are far from innocent, but use different, yet still sinister tactics. The worst offender: The "10 year old photo" trick, which leaves men utterly defenseless. It entirely negates any similarity between the woman in the photo and the woman that shows up. Not only does she not look like the woman in the photo, she typically looks like she ate the woman in the photo. They can now cover their asses too, assuming that they can fit them into the jeans they were planning to wear for the date.

Which brings up an important social issue:

Psst! Secret for men... next time you get asked the universal question from hell—you know, the one with no right answer: "Honey, do these jeans make my ass look big?", you can fight back. I have come up with a method that guarantees that you will never face this manipulative, unanswerable question again:"No, Honey- your ass makes the jeans look big." Trust me. It works. 

Further evidence of the power of homeopathy requires a little geography: 

Here are the results:

It now becomes evident how homeopathic BPA can kill the world. BPA is now known with absolute certainty to cause the following: disruption of human endocrine systems, fetal toxicity, decreasing testosterone levels, missing testicles (I really don't understand how you could misplace one of these, but whatever), various cancers, obesity, diabetes, early puberty, and reduction of anogenital distance.

The last one fascinates me (big surprise). Since it is not a term you are likely to hear on the crosstown bus, it deserves an explanation. It is defined as the distance from the anus to the genitals, hence the name. (I tried to measure my own, but couldn't get the yardstick in there).

So, since BPA has now been proven to be far worse than what we fools previously believed, it is not the least bit surprising that not only does the chemical shrink the anogenital distance, but it can actually reverse it!

Thus, it becomes trivial to envision many ways that homeopathic BPA can end the world. But you have to go a little deeper. Since "molecular memory" is true for liquids like water, it naturally follows that it must also hold true for solids and gasses. Here is proof that it works for metal!

If you think about it, the possibilities are endless. If Lyndon Johnson farted in the oval office, will you still smell it? If I eat a whole box or Mallomars, will they still be there when I open the cabinet again? And it begs the obvious question:"Why bother flushing the toilet?" No wonder California is running out of water. Idiots.

I'm out of time, and I need a bath, but I'm a little afraid. Suppose John Wilkes Booth pops out of the faucet?