It turns out we could have solved the whole culture war mess (though would we even have science blogging without Bush? 100 years from now, historians will look back and conclude that science owes Bush a lot) by just making stem cells practical - none of this 'maybe if we throw a lot of money at it we will cure something' stuff but something truly beneficial for men and women, Republican and Democrat. Namely, by using their value in breast implants and liposuction. ALL AT ONCE.
I used all caps there, people. On other science sites, that's a call to arms.
I'm not kidding. DDr. Karl-Georg Heinrich, Vienna-based expert in cosmetic surgery and anti-aging, can use someone's own stem-cell enriched (well, these are adult stem cells but it doesn't matter - if you studied your science 'framing' you know that positive studies about adult stem cells were always referred to as just 'stem cells' and positive results about embryonic stem cells were clarified completely in order to confuse the population and yell at Republicans about science) fat, harvested by liposuction, and then make bigger boobs.
Let's go over the process. First, the fat is harvested by liposuction using dedicated microcannulas. Stem cells are extracted from one portion and mixed with the rest of the fat. Then that stem-cell-enriched fat is injected into the breast: No scalpel, no foreign substances and no scars. The stem cells will grow into new, living tissue.
He is going to get the biggest Nobel prize ever.
It's just a local anesthetic and the woman (or man? I want the calves I had when I was 23!) goes home in a few hours, thinner yet magically larger breasted just as nature (or God, if you go that way - we keep it neutral on that stuff so who am I to say what kind of bust your deity prefers?) intended!
It's a family site so I can't actually post the 'before' and 'after' pictures here but I can link to them from his site. Of course, if you're a man you may see them and scratch you head and think you only see 'good' and slightly 'gooder', since they are breasts but, trust medicine on this, they are better because they are purchased.
My favorite part; he approaches this like an airline. Yes, you can get coach-class stem cell breasts or get the real VIP treatment. Seriously, he calls it VIP on his website.
Between First and Economy classes there is 'Business' - I guess we know what that means.
He has his fans. "Mrs. Kunz, 32" swears by him: "I feel great with this kind of therapy. My ability to concentrate has increased and I feel very alert. The only side effect I noticed were sleeping problems in the beginning of the Therapy." Sure, she was probably out all night showing off her new rack.
You may be concerned about risks. Not to worry, Heinrich states "Safety and stability of the results have been proven in studies in the USA and Japan." I couldn't find any studies but if you can't trust Viennese cosmetic surgeons, who can you trust?
In the US, when we have articles about bat kids in caves or Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden getting married, we attribute it to some obscure town in Russia. In Austria, an obscure town in Russia is named America.
That shows how far we have fallen. Thanks for that too, Bush. Luckily we'll soon be on the right track again, assuming pirates don't kidnap us all.