So the only food that we knew could survive the apocalypse has been driven out of business by its own employees, who also teamed up with single mothers, minorities and atheists to overwhelmingly re-elect a guy determined to jump off a fiscal cliff right just before the end of the world was long projected - December of 2012.

Well played, Mayans.

As Twinkies go, so goes America.  Without junk food and $6 billion Navy destroyers, we are doomed. Really, America was the only variable the Mayans had to be worried about come December 21st, 2012, when they emerge from their LHC-created black hole with an army powered by strangelet weapons. But the government is not taking it seriously and is instead pumping out almost 70 new regulations every day, which, since that is more jobs than Americans now get per day, gives writers at National Review something to complain about - but also distracts regular people from the real problem; the fifth columnists who have been paving the way for our future Mayan overlords.

Some people saw it coming but those evil pagans planted inside science media companies were covering it all up.  People tried to note the increase in earthquakes, for example, but corporate writers are too busy blaming everything on global warming.  Others tried to headfake the world with the claim that the Mayan calendar was not ending for good, it was just ending like ours ends every year and they said the Mayans didn't think anyone would be dumb enough not to know calendars start over. Stupid science, part of the blame is on your head for putting ours in the sand.

Supermoons, Nibiru, the signs have all been there but, no, we have been worried about new ways to regulate how little water is in a toilet flush while suing cities when their creek has too much rain. Did anyone heed the warnings by environmentalists that fracking was causing the earth to deflate? Very few.

Doomsday Preppers are actually quite late to the party. The American 'Science Czar' John Holdren is in his fifth decade of forecasting the apocalypse and environmentalists have been preaching the end of the world just as long.  Both think solar power will save the 1% of people with enough sunlight to matter.  Credit: National Geographic

The public sees through the media smokescreen about the end of the world. "Doomsday Preppers" is the highest rated show on National Geographic channel, it even beats out their programming on teen exorcists and cops in Alaska, gun sales are through the roof and various states want to secede from others so they don't get dragged to some special Hell for secular people. Giant environmental 'non-profit' corporations are advocating ways to keep poor people blind, when they aren't starving, and think the best energy solution is from 800 A.D.  When was the last time the Mayans reigned?  800 A.D. Call that coincidence if it helps.

Dear Mayans: Is it too late to take back all the ridicule?  We were just having a little fun, hanging out with the cool kids, making some jokes. At least one forward-thinking city has banned Big Gulps so no further demonstrations about the power of supernatural belief are actually needed; I bet if you just show up with food stamps and Wal-Mart gift cards people will let you take over peacefully.