Today I was dewildered (or belighted) to discover that visits to my blog had skyrocketed overnight.

But why? What could thirteen hundred and forty-one visitors have found so riveting about yesterday's post? Was it the zombie fungus? The carrion plant?

Well, obviously it had to be the vampire squid. Shy as they may seem to me, they must have a following. Maybe a cult. Maybe there are secret enclaves all over the world, where people gather to paint cirri onto their arms, tuck slender yellow tentacles into their armpits, and flash luminous organs at one another in the night. (Never mind that the last time I talked about vampire squid, there wasn't even a bump in visitors. Just never mind, okay?)

Follow me into the depths, my infernal children!

Ready to confirm my suspicions, I looked at my page stats to see how all these Vampyroteuthis groupies had found my blog. Talk about disillusionment.

Those were thirteen hundred and forty-one disappointed visitors. I'm sorry, guys! But if just one, just one person decides to dress up as Barry the four-foot coral reef worm? At the last minute? My work here is done.

Happy Halloween, everyone!