Tweets about Moms and Pie: Don't Be a Martyr! Problem Solve!
    By Kim Wombles | June 9th 2011 07:21 AM | 5 comments | Print | E-mail | Track Comments
    About Kim

    Instructor of English and psychology and mother to three on the autism spectrum.

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    I would show you pieces of pie, but no pie has stayed around long enough in this house to snap a picture of it. I tell you what  I'll do for my readers: when I'm shopping today, I'll buy some. Just for you. I can make this sacrifice since you've come to expect photos of stuff. I'll add them in. Ain't that sweet of me?

    Why pie? What makes me bring up pie? You want some, don't you?

    I was looking at twitter and a tweet caught my eye:
    A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, announces she never did care for pie #Life #Love #wisdom
    You know me. I tweeted back:
      If 1 of those 5 is the husband; a smart mother cuts 1 in half. A sneaky mom says she needs to sample each piece to see if good. :-)

    But this tweet left me with a string of thoughts.

    First, what's with the martyrdom?

    Second, why's it all precut into a number that doesn't work?

    Third, does she not have a knife? Make it into 8 pieces. Then there are three left over. And Mom can have them, too. That's wisdom.

    Fourth, seriously, if the only place I demonstrate my willingness to sacrifice for my children. Okay, let's just stop there and go back to number one: martyrdom. If I'm telling you about my sacrifices, then I'm playing the martyrdom card. Blah, blah. Cry me a river.

    It's my job to give of myself and my time and put my children's well-being up there as my top priority. It's important to not go overboard, though. They don't need to think they're the center of the world, and they need to learn that living in a family and in the world is a two way street. We all give and we all get.

    So let me tell you what would happen if there were for some god-forsaken reason only four pieces of pie in this house and five of us wanted some. We'd be doing some problem solving really quick. No one would be giving up their pie. That's just crazy talk and uncalled for.

    We'd be doing some reslicing of that pie or leave it in the pie pan, grab five forks and gather around the table. Or I'd be nibbling on the parts I like best. Look at the learning opportunities that hypothetical mother up there in that tweet missed with her family. Instead she acted like a martyr and a ninny because she couldn't problem solve.

    Hey, I'd have served them the pie, sure, but as soon as it was plated, my keys would have been in my hand and I'd have been out the door to buy another pie. And maybe when I got back home with it, I'd share. I'd cut it into five pieces, though. See what I'm saying?

    Smart moms problem solve. They give of themselves when they need to because it's their job as a mom, but smart moms do not go without pie and LIE to their children. If I said that, my kids would snort the pie out their noses.


    You are a mess, Miss Kim...I don't really mean you're a mess, it's just an expression one of the teachers aides I worked with used to say to me all the time, except I WAS a mess, sometimes...
    Oy...what I'm trying to say is this is a very nice post. I'm a lot like you with pie. There is no "sacrifice" when it comes to pie.
    I've been known to lie for pie.
    "Who ate that last piece of pie?"
    "Ask your dad when he gets home from work..."

    :-)  I could lie for pie. I'd probably get caught, but it would be worth it. Came home with cherry pie, pecan pie, and pumpkin pie and three mini fruit pies. And donuts, but that's another post!

    “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” --MLK, Jr.

    :-) Cherry Pie!
    “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” --MLK, Jr.
    Help me out here if you would. Recently I started attending a local class One night a week for three hours for 10 weeks. I don't do a lot for myself, but this is one thing I really wanted to do. But now I am having second thoughts as to whether or not I should continue.

    Hubs, for the most part is a great dad. But due to medical issues, he has not been an active dad. So last time I attended my class, before leaving I questioned, and re-questioned whether or not he was able to take care of our two girls. He told me twice yes. So I left. For three hours. And I came home three hours later to discover our girls sitting in the living room watching TV while their daddy was passed out upstairs. Now don't get me wrong, I know he didn't just decide to ignore them, and he probably had all good intentions of taking care of them, especially considering the oldest said they were all snuggled up in mommy's and daddy's bed watching a movie before daddy fell asleep. But if he thought for one second he was not going to be able to ensure they were in bed asleep before he went to sleep, would it be unreasonable to think he would, or could, have asked for help? I thought not. But when this was situation was discussed with a close relative she had the audacity to call me a martyr because I said maybe I should stop going to the class if daddy was unable to take care of the girls. Suddenly I am a martyr because I believe my children's safety comes before my personal desires.

    Again, I don't do a lot for myself, so this one thing, doing that, meant a lot to me. And it hurts to know I can no longer trust the one person I thought I could, to take care of my babies. Add to that the martyr insult from the relative, and now I am just pissed.

    I never asked the relative to care for my girls. I never thought I had to until that incident, so please help me understand where I went from being a concerned mom to a martyr? Am I the only mother who thinks sacrificing a personal want in exchange for ensuring my girls are safe is normal. Its not like I can not attend the class at a later date, and it isn't costing us anything so the only thing I am out is time. And its not like the medical issues will never be resolved.

    To me martyring would be complaining how much my lost filling is driving me crazy, or how my abscess tooth is hurting like heck, but refusing to go to the dentist after complaining how much it hurts. Sure, my entire mouth hurts like crap, but I do not complain to others, nor do I ask for help. At the moment finances are such that we simply can not afford a visit to the dentist. Is that martyring? Sure. I will totally agree I am martyring on that one? But if we had the money I would have had these issues taken care of a long time ago.

    The one thing I kick and re-kick myself for, was going to that class that night. I had already missed two classes so I could not miss anymore, but I keep thinking of how selfish it was of me to go to class instead of ensuring my girls were going to be taken care of. I knew I could re-take the class if I really wanted to, but I wanted to finish this one more. So I took the selfish road and I chose to do something for me. That, was stupid on my part.

    But now I am faced with the backlash of that night. If I go to the remaining two classes, sure I get a certificate and I get to say I did something for myself, but at what price? An already intrusive relative who can not leave well enough alone will finally have justified reasons to always be looking over my shoulders. Is it worth it? The selfish side of me says yes, it is worth it. The responsible mother in me says no, and I can do it later when things are better. So what do I do?

    Is there a way to work out a way to finish the course with the instructor without physically attending the classes? Is there a way to attend only the first half of the course?

    It isn't martyrdom if it's a reasonable reaction; if your girls are little enough to need someone alert to look out for them and your husband can't do that, then you need to have someone else do that. If that means you can't finish the course, then that's what that means.

    I would probably try to work it out that I could finish the course without being worried about my children's welfare and if that were not possible, accept that my children come first.

    Whatever decision you come to, I hope it is one you are at peace with. ((()))
    “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.” --MLK, Jr.