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    Is Sex with the Mistress Better than Sex with the Wife?
    By Asha John | December 16th 2009 04:30 PM | 22 comments | Print | E-mail | Track Comments
    About Asha

    I am a writer based in Northern California. I have a BS in Journalism. Two topics I am most interested in - evolutionary basis of religion and living...

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    In his book on infidelity, “The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What you can do to Prevent it,” M. Gary Neuman asked the men he surveyed the following two questions.

    a)    Was Sex much different (physically) than sex with the wife?
    b)    Was Sex not much different (physically) than sex with the wife?   

    The answer:
    a) Sex was much different than sex with the wife -68%

    Of course the question is why?

    In an earlier post I had mentioned that according to Neuman, “the number one way the other woman differed from the cheating man’s wife was that she made him feel wanted, loved, and appreciated – 28%.”

    Neuman therefore speculates:

    “Was the sex better because the mistress had some skill that the wives did not? Unlikely….More likely, the answer is that the emotional part of the relationship created a better sexual relationship.”

    Comments

    Hank
    I haven't read his book so I am not sure I understand his thinking.   He is saying the emotions with the mistress made sex better than with his wife?    So does that mean he also feels guilty about cheating on his mistress with his wife??   :)
    Asha

    :) No, it is no guilt he is talking about.

    In an earlier post I had written about Neuman's book in which he surveyed men who had been unfaithful, asking them why they had cheated on their wives.

    The number one reason turned out to be - emotional dissatisfaction. Which basically means these men felt that their wives their wives did not value them or appreciate them.

    With the mistress they felt wanted, loved, and appreciated.

    So Nueman is suggesting that sex with mistress is better because she gives him more emotional attention (strokes his ego better?) than the wife.
    jtwitten
    Neuman makes it sound like the cheating is, in part, the wife's fault. What this research shows is that men cheat because they feel emotionally unsatisfied. Having spent a great deal of my life surrounded by guy guys without social constraints, allow me to suggest an alternative: with the mistress they feel desired and like they have achieved something because she is choosing to have sex with him while with the wife there is the widespread belief that she is obligated to.
    Asha
    You are right Josh,

    He did write the book sort of as a self help and it's target audience is women.

    I think what he is trying to do is give women a sense of control. The book is written is such a way as to suggest to women, that there is something they CAN do to prevent infidelity.

    So let me ask you, as someone who has been around guys without social constraints - what advice would you give to women about men and infidelity?

    jtwitten
    Having not read the book, only your synopses, I will say that victim blaming is always a good way to get my dander up.

    Without putting too much thought into it, it would be to bear three things in mind :
    1. guys want to have sex probably more than you do*
    2. they want to think that their partner wants to have sex with them**
    3. once married, #2 becomes even harder to do because of obligation*** connotations of marriage, including the pop-marriage counselor obligation of "it will help the marriage"

    *No comment on the cause as this is complex and inflammatory.
    **Per my previous comment, this is probably a major source of the difference in emotional satisfaction. For example, guys might be more positive about the romantic evening date if it did not have the overtones of paying dues for intimacy.
    ***The marital rape debate is associated with this and may be connected to a really ugly side of #2.
    Asha
    :) :)

    Ok, so without getting too carried away.... If you think that men and women will always be this far apart in sexual desires and sexual drives - do you think infidelity is inevitable?

    - Do you think, (and some people have argued this) that monogamy and committing to a single person is pointless?
    jtwitten
    You are asking the wrong person about "inevitable". I take a very probabilistic world view. So, there will always be some cheating, even if all men feel emotionally satisfied (that was just 68% of the sample and only the top reason).

    I also don't think it is necessarily a function of difference in drive or desire. One has to consider how that drive is presented to a partner. My pop-psych guess is that a male would respond better (be more faithful) to a situation in which he understood that his partner had less sex drive than him, but intensely desired him (i.e., sex was not an obligation, but desired) than one where his only information is how often his advances are accepted and rebuffed.

    My basis for my theory is based off my experience with male bragging. Bragging about getting a woman is actually focused on the perception of her desire to have sex with the male, the importance of the act is less critical to the male's feeling of pride and esteem, serving as confirmation of the perception, physical pleasure (I don't think lack of follow through here, i.e., teasing, is really the kind of marital issue being discussed), and to add licentious detail. 
    Insightful perspective josh

    Gerhard Adam
    Another definition that is missing is "what does emotionally dissatisfied" mean?  Of course, there is going to be a large gap between the reality of an individual versus the fantasy image that might be projected.  In other words, a spouse (or someone that lives with you) will see the "real" you and not necessarily buy into the "moody, misunderstood" persona that many want to portray.

    In truth, part of the appeal of a mistress or an affair is to indulge in the male fantasy, where the day-to-day reality of actually having to "survive" can be ignored. 

    The real problem I have with the book is that it creates the illusion that cheating is essentially a one-sided equation.  Every man that cheats is involved with someone else that is either married or with someone that may well know that he is married.  Obviously there could be deception that withholds that information, but I suspect that the majority of women that are involved with someone that is cheating, are aware of that fact.
    Mundus vult decipi
    I may not have the most appropriate word or scientifics ans scholaris words to use as most of you but I will tell you from previous and present situations that I really believe this is all a bunch of crap. A man is no more than a man. I am not a man hater, I am not here ot bash any male or cheater but I am here to say that I haveI have been through this for a very long time for the age that I am and I have been through about every conception I can think of and nothing adds up. I am not at all the type to brag about myself or my looks and I somewhat keep to myself due to the severe control that is placed on me, but tell me why is is so okay for one person to cheat and when they are cheated on the game rules completely change? Why is it that one person feels it's okay to do the wrong per say and then when even the threat or though of something like that happening to them happens freak? I'm sorry if I'm out of line but I don't it....Whats good for goose is good for the gander or some shit like that.....makes no sense! I can officially say if it was not for my two little boys wouldn't even bother worring...... Mulitiple heartaches in wondering

    Like the other anonymous person, this excuse is a bunch of crap. Men want to have their egos boosted and a wife is going to be honest with him while the mistress will tell him whatever he wants to here just to continue the affair. I've been cheated on twice that I know of and that's because he's messy. I'm not stroking his ego and if a man doesn't want to be in a marriage and he feels that he can communicate better, feel more loved and wanted from the mistress, then he needs to pack up and go to the mistress and let's see how long that works out.

    I came across this page while doing an online search out of curiosity. My husband cheated on me with a married woman. I called it an emotional affair at first, and that's exactly what it was. When he failed to stop confiding in the woman, and I caught him in the lies, I left with the hope that counseling would solve our problems. He proceeded to begin having sex with the woman. All the while, I told him how much I loved him, practically worshipped him, and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life... I just wouldn't share him with another woman. He claimed that I was being paranoid and jealous, until I caught them in bed. This all began not because of my lack of affection, appreciation, or attention toward him. I know this because I find this to be an important aspect in every marriage. It wasn't about the sex. I wanted to have sex more often than he did. I wholeheartedly believe this was more about his "perception" that he wasn't respected, appreciated, etc. He complained at times that I didn't "look at him the way I used to", but I didn't feel that was the case at all. In fact, I loved him more and more each day. Because of marital disagreements, normal arguments, and pressures like bills, children, careers, etc., he "perceived" that I couldn't possibly love him the way I used to, which couldn't have been more far from the truth. Ultimately, he turned to the other woman, who idolized him in a very public way (she is his employee). I asked that they both stop the behavior as it was obviously in a manner inappropriate for two married people to behave. They didn't. Like "Anonymous" said above, let's see how long that works out.

    I want to follow up on the above posting with something I left out. My husband and I had sex one last time after his sexual affair began with the other woman. He admitted, and I have no reason to believe he was being dishonest, that sex with her didn't even come close in comparison to sex with me. It was never about the sex. He was genuinely saddened that he may never have such a satisfying sex life with anyone else. This was all about the need to feel "needed".

    Gerhard Adam
    Let me tell a story to show how such perceptions can be formed regardless of intentions (and I'm not suggesting that this is occurring regarding anyone's behavior).

    Years ago, I worked for a company that was experiencing financial difficulty and our annual reviews resulted in a very small salary increase.  Upon hearing the news my ex-wife went ballistic and starting ranting about how under-appreciated I was, etc. etc. etc.  I understood that the company was having problems and quite frankly I didn't see it as an issue to "go to war" over.  However, despite the "praise" for me in her complaining, the net result was that it simply made me feel guilty for even telling her.  The net result was that I felt I couldn't share what was really going on because she would invariably put me in an untenable position of feeling that I had to defend an "inadequacy" simply because of business or economic conditions.

    I'm sure she thought she was being quite supportive of me, but in my view I was becoming the target for her rants against a company that I couldn't very well alter.  This made me feel that the only way to regain control would be to ignore her, or to quit my job (which would've made me feel forced into a decision I didn't feel was necessary).

    My point in this story is simply that supporting someone doesn't mean trying to solve every problem they bring to you.  Often people (men or women) just need a sounding board and when a spouse attempts to "solve" the problem, they actually inhibit that individual's expression of views.  Telling me I deserve a raise doesn't help me.  Telling me I'm too good for some employer doesn't help me.  It actually creates a sense of inadequacy when there wasn't one before.  What would've simply been taken in stride from my own perspective, was suddenly elevated as a need to defend myself against my wife (at the time). 

    As I said, I'm not suggesting that this is what other people are experiencing, but it is important to recognize that often what we consider to be for "someone's good" may actually backfire on us when it is experienced by the target of that "help".

    So from a man's perspective, often feeling "needed" is really a need to be "left alone" and not have every choice or decision challenged and require defending.
    Mundus vult decipi
    Bonny Bonobo alias Brat
    Wasn't there another alternative which was to tell her how she was making you feel and why? That you felt you couldn't share what was really going on with her because she would invariably put you in an untenable position of feeling that you had to defend an "inadequacy" simply because of business or economic conditions. You said that you were sure she thought she was being quite supportive of you, so couldn't you have told her that you felt unsupported by her because you were the target for her rants against a company that you couldn't very well alter, and that this made you feel that the only way to regain control was to ignore her, or to quit your job? Which would've made you feel forced into a decision you didn't want to make? Is it possible that she just didn't understand how you felt in that situation because you didn't tell her and she would have changed her behaviour if she had better understood the effect she was having on you?
    My article about researchers identifying a potential blue green algae cause & L-Serine treatment for Lou Gehrig's ALS, MND, Parkinsons & Alzheimers is at http://www.science20.com/forums/medicine
    Gerhard Adam
    Sure, and those kinds of discussions occurred.  However, the point is that if someone doesn't want to listen, then there's little else to be done.

    The point being that I liked my job and the way things were going was actually quite fair within the context of how business was going.  But when someone is going on endlessly about how you should be much more successful than their perception of you, then after some time you simply stop having the conversation.

    In my view, it became clear that her materialistic gains simply weren't happening fast enough for her liking. 
    Mundus vult decipi
    Bonny Bonobo alias Brat
    Sounds like a gold digger, you're probably better off without her.
    My article about researchers identifying a potential blue green algae cause & L-Serine treatment for Lou Gehrig's ALS, MND, Parkinsons & Alzheimers is at http://www.science20.com/forums/medicine
    Gerhard Adam
    Absolutely no question about that :)
    Mundus vult decipi
    what about wives that are celibate through their choice,then the husband is obliged to be unfaithful just to keep his sexual emotional erotic needs

    Hank
    You're using the word celibate wrong.  You mean chaste, though modern colloquial usage has damaged celibate, along with a lot of other words, so it is interchangeable (thus, why have two words?).  Chaste wives are not taking a moral stand, they just aren't into their husbands.
    Reading the comments, and having read part of the book and partly from just random curiosity on my part, I should like to offer what I know from my own insight. This is not to say that this is true for all cases, and I don't know that my opinion will be very well received. I am the mistress. I am not a day to day occurence for the man in question. He is a man I had known, loved, married and then divorced for various differences.

    Years have passed and he has remarried and loves his wife. He wants to spend the rest of his life with her, but he has told me after our infrequent meets (Not all included sex.) that without me, he fears his marriage would have ended long before now. He has confessed to me his guilt and his struggle with the situation. I am even one who has recommended counselling for him and his wife. He has told me some reasons that he does as he does.
    One reason is that I am able to satisfy some small portion of his sexual needs that his wife cannot or is unwilling to attempt. Without going into detail I will say that these are not things that are too risque or taboo. Just things that are simply differences in a woman's desires when it comes to bed-partners.

    Two, that I am at a different maturity level in terms of conversation. His wife is educated, and they have many things in common with one another, but where with me it stays a conversation, with her it becomes a defensive debate when her opinions are questioned. Sometimes to the point that she has become irrationally upset. Thus, he has stopped trying to communicate with her on some subjects that are normal day to day things that come with a marriage. Money, children and other things mentioned by previous posters.

    Three, and this one is one I myself don't fully understand. I am not the most emotionally available person when it comes to relationships and that is partly why we did not work as a married couple ourselves. Though I don't fawn over him, I am always accepting and open to what he says while he's speaking. The debate or questions could come after, but he feels he can tell me anything and knows that I will not judge him harshly. Mostly because my own guilts and fears are far worse than his.

    I am, for him, a confessor, a friend, and a lover at very seldom times. I had my own 'demons' to wrangle on the situation for like another poster said, many women who are involved with cheaters are aware they are cheaters. I have known for years and it has weighed heavily at times. I have no designs to steal him away from his wife. I am content with what I gain from our relationship as it is now. I will include in that statement that never has he given me money, gifts or anything other than his time. He has taken more than he has given and I have not asked for any of those things.

    So there are the reasons I have been given, and though they might not fit the norm situation, perhaps they can shed a little light on the theories of others.

    Any sex is better that my wife. None is even better