The Humor Of Mark Twain

Mark Twain would have made a world-class blogger.  He could write most wittily on just about any topic.  Here is a selection of Mark Twain quotes on the topic of lies and truth.

I have been working like sin all night to get a lecture written. I have finished it, I call it "Frozen Truth." It is a little top-heavy, though, because there is more truth in the title than there is in the lecture.  From a letter, Jan. 8, 1868
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"In one respect the sick-nurse is perfection--when she is on watch, she never snores."
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Lying is universal we all do it; we all must do it.  Therefore, the wise thing is for us diligently to train ourselves to lie thoughtfully, judiciously; to lie with a good object, and not an evil one; to lie for others' advantage, and not our own; to lie healingly, charitably, humanely, not cruelly, hurtfully, maliciously; to lie gracefully and graciously, not awkwardly and clumsily; to lie firmly, frankly, squarely, with head erect, not haltingly, tortuously, with pusillanimous mien, as being ashamed of our high calling.
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One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
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... little George realized that circumstantial evidence was against him.  He knew that his father would know from the size of the chips that no full-grown hatchet cut that tree down, and that no man would have haggled it so.  He knew that his father would send around the plantation and inquire for a small boy with a hatchet, and he had the wisdom to come out and confess it.  Now, the idea that his father was overjoyed when he told little George that he would rather have him cut down, a thousand cheery-trees than tell a lie is all nonsense.  What did he really mean?  Why, that he was absolutely astonished that he had a son who had the chance to tell a lie and didn't.

I admire old George--if that was his name--for his discernment.  He knew when he said that his son couldn't tell a lie that he was stretching it a good deal.  He wouldn't have to go to John D. Rockefeller's Bible class to find that out.  The way the old George Washington story goes down it doesn't do anybody any good.  It only discourages people who can tell a lie.
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A lie is halfway around the world before the truth has got its boots on.