It's that time of year again - All Hallows Eve - and that means an upsurge in witch sightings which inevitably leads to impromptu witch trials.
As much as we appreciate that the residents of Salem do not passively sit back and wait for our just and benevolent God to find Mercy on the souls of witches, we think some guidelines are in order for the corporeal world so we want to clarify some things about the Court of Oyer and Terminer.
Beware wily seductresses and their demonic incantations!
Already in this year of Our Lord 1692, ye good citizens were able to uncover over 100 cases of witchcraft. That may sound like a high number of outsiders but everyone knows that once you let one witch in, they all swarm, so officials are not surprised. Widow McDonald, with her keen perception, uncovered 11 herself in the form of annoying teenagers.
Recent increases in awareness have not been without obstacles in resolution. Five women uncovered the witchery of Giles Corey in April and it took until September to crush him to death with stones, despite Exodus clearly stating "Thou shall not suffer a witch to live." We have seen the problems and are working on it.
To help speed up the deaths of witches, we are implementing the following: British common law says that a person is innocent until proven guilty but witches are not people, so we have resolved to adapt the progressive, modern inquisitorial approach versus the more conservative adversarial system. We have also resolved that, in addition to confession or two eyewitness testimonies, spectral evidence may also be considered. Witch Marks and the Touching Test are also completely acceptable.
We received a petition to allow witches to be burned rather than hanged and we have considered the matter and denied it. The last thing we need is for our fair city to get the reputation we burn people; once that kind of rumor starts it never leaves you. We are not pagan savages, we hang people, which has been scientifically proven to be the most humane way to send witches to Hell.
For more details, please see this outstanding work by Barrister Lyonette Louis-Jacques
We hope that this answers your questions and you enjoy this Hallowed Evening.
Jebediah Campbell, Esquire
Salem, Massachusetts, 1692
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